Thursday, October 4, 2012

The Past

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taken at my parent's property

As the famous movie quote from The Lion King says,
"What does it matter, it's in the past?"

But does it matter? 

From the very beginning of our lives, we're taught to let go of the past, not stress about the future, but rather live in the present. While I believe this to be true in theory, it is simply unrealistic.

The past does matter, because it's a part of how we grow and becomes a part of us, whether we want it to or not. Some past experiences we want to remember and cherish forever. We may look back and wish we could relive the birth of a loved one or the wedding of our best friend's (I know I sure do!) 

But there's also past experiences we wish we could forget...
simply erase from our memories because it's too painful to recall.
And although these experiences are in the "past",
they stay with us...sometimes so deep in our subconscious that we aren't even aware of them...
until all of a sudden one day, it's a smack to the face.

This is a skill (or lack-thereof) that I've mastered in my (almost) 26 years of life.
As a coping mechanism, I learned to subconsciously "shove" any painful past experiences so far down, that I on a daily basis, forget that it had ever even happened. 

I think our brain sometimes shuts things out in order to keep pushing forward keep fighting the uphill battle. 

It has been one of my main goals over the past year or so,
to let these past experiences come to the surface...
to allow me to confront them...and then move on from them.

It's been quite astonishing how much of my past I never dealt with...
how much pain, anger, hurt, and resentment I still have...
whether it were due to individuals or events.

I'm not going to lie and say that I don't think of 
certain people...
certain situations...
certain events...
and cringe at the very thought of them.

This isn't meant to be a pity party, as I blog for myself ...
and this is my outlet sometimes.
(but I am also very happy when I see people enjoying what I write as well!)

The simple fact is that there's a lot of people who suck..
And that don't realize the impact that they could have on another person. 
but sometimes I need to just get angry and sad and upset...
And stop self-inflicting due to people and situations that were completely out of my control.

My coping mechanism has always been to blame myself.
I must be inadequate.
I must be unworthy.
I must be deserving of whatever I have gotten.

It's taken me 26 years to realize that that's simply
bull shit!
You cannot blame yourself for someone else's actions.
That's on them!

For anyone out there that has held onto anger, hurt, or resentment,
it's time to let it go!
People, situations, and events are always going to happen.
If you're a good person and you wake up every morning trying to live the best life you can live,
then that's all that matters.

My mother used to always say to me,
"Remember Who You Are..."
and that's all I can ever do.

(Disclosure: I'll admit, this is a bit of a rant, as I've been bringing forth many experiences of my past that has not been brought to the surface in years. Thankfully I am truly blessed with the most unbelievable, selfless, loving, and incredible people!You know who you all are...and I love you dearly!)

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